I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
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[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ