“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
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How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
me when the borders lift
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.