I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
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when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.