oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
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And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.