I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
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It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?