Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
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Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism