Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
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181.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.