sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
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Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible