Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
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Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Those are good neighbors.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.