The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
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Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful