Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
You Might Also Like
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
My typo game is string.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet