So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
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me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Anime is real
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for