Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
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*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
whatcha thinkin bout
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle