Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
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I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?