4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
You Might Also Like
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.