*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
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Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
The best plant holders?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!