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How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
This meal prepping shit easy
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house