Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
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Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?