My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
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My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Netflix: We have Less