The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
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Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal