ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
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I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
sry
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.