My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
You Might Also Like
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
But I really needed water water water
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.