Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
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Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Do not steal food from the science building!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔