Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
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If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.