“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
i wish i could marry a nap
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
🤣dope
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.