I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
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Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.