Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
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Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep