I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
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And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.