In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
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so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
🤭😂
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
english majors be like furthermore
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.