Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
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BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
listen closely
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
This is my cat’s medicine.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.