[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Not all heroes wear capes.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
How much for the goth pool noodles?