I saw this ending much differently.
You Might Also Like
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
That was easy.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said