Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
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BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist