My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
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People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal