[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
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Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
somebody come look at this
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting