me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
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It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon