BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.