I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
You Might Also Like
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Breaking news:
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory