When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
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I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
The prophecy is fulfilled
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill