My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
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“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Great acting.. 😂
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist