My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
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[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Holy shit he’s back
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*