I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
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Anyone want a chair?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]