Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
You Might Also Like
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*