police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
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There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
constantly working on myself.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon