New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
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what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.