Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
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Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Fidel Castro was alive?
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?