Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
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Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow: