[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
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Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Canada has crack?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.