After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
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“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi