Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
You Might Also Like
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.